Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
