Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
