Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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