We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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