She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
