hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
