Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
