So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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