John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
