Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
