She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
