i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
