Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
