Don't make out with my wife yet
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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