I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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