mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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