I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
