The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
