you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish you could order shots online.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
