There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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