I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize