I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
soo... how was my night?
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