i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
