I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i will never coherently bang her
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
