I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
