I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
