so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
