i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
