My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
