I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
