my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
