she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
