I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
