Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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