So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
