let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
