Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
