I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
