This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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