So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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