My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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