Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
