Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
