now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
