Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
