"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
