Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
