I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
