I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she pinky promised me she was 18
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
