I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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