When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
