i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
