Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
