and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
