he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
