I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize