wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
