I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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