a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well you can't waste a boner
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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