Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
