I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
