i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
