i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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