you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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