we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
