Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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