A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
