Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize