You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
